I Am Linda

Growing anticipation and tamoxifen

This past week has been one during which my sense of anticipation has begun to grow again.  Having had about a month to become strong and get away from 'procedures' I now realize that is coming to an end.

On Monday I met with the medical oncologist to confirm my  chemo decision.  I talked at length with his PA (physician assistant) Lynn about the side effects of hormone treatment - Tamoxifen.  The plan is to take this drug for 5 years. Yup--- a half a decade, twice a day.  It is supposed to interfere with my cells' hormone receptors so any bad girl cells won't be trigger to start growing wildly again. 

The whole side effect thing is weird.  I have done my homework.  Outside of the really dangerous things like blood clots, endometrial and ovarian cancer (swell) the rest seem like nothing more than a nuisance - hot flashes, moodiness among them.  All of the clinical information I read also included weight loss, but when I asked Lynn about this she said in all her years in healthcare she didn't know anyone who lost weight - most people gain 5-10 lbs. 

This puzzled me for two reasons. First, I am obsessed about it because I'm not going to gain weight. Period.  I'm a fanatic about my weight and no little white pill is going to change that.  Second, it was inconsistent with EVERYTHING I had researched and read.  Then I started thinking about these three things...hot flashes, moodiness, weight gain. 

Then it occurred to me that most often the people receiving this drug are women between 40-60+, right?  Prime menopause years with hot flashes and moodiness and prime middle age spread years when people gain weight.  Duh!  Did the clinicians and researchers hold these things constant during the trials?  In subsequent data collecting years?  Could this even be done?  There is over 30 years experience with this drug but I have to admit I've lost a little respect for the trials and data collection methods.  There is no substitute for good common sense and critical thinking now and again!

Anyway...they gave me the prescription and it sat on my dining room table for two days before I had the courage to have it filled. Throw another $500 on the fire each year for the next 5 years.  Once that shocker was over I looked at the bottle for another couple of days.  The thought of becoming one of America's pill poppers was depressing.  Now THAT is a reason to become moody.

Finally, on Friday, 7/14, I found the courage to swallow the first one.  Only  1,823 days to go - 3,646 pills left! Whoo hoo!

Lady in Waiting ---

Only half of my results of the oncotype test came back this week so it will be another week before I have an opportunity to consider and discuss my options.  This is teaching me patience but it is also causing anxiety in friends and family who are anxiously waiting some news. 

In some ways I feel I've been given a reprieve.  I get another good week to take care of things that I deem important.  The challenge for me has been to determine what is important.  Doing paperwork and making sure my 'life is in order'?  Sounds comforting but it is boring work and I prefer not be be bored.

Or how about finishing the paint jobs I've started in two different rooms?  I've discovered that these are not home improvement projects but creative projects and I haven't been feeling very creative lately and I don't really care that the place is torn up and a mess.  In the grand scheme of things it just doesn't seem that important.

I've been excited about getting exercise - I've always liked to remain active.  But today my lawn mower decided not to start.  When I finally get it back from the shop (that is , BTW, backed up and can't promise it before the weekend) I'll be baling hay!  No huffing and puffing for me today. 

My dog Kayla seems to have hurt her paw somehow so she's limping around which will put a kink in my walking plans in the morning.  Hey - breast cancer wasn't in my plans either and I've managed to work around that ---- I guess I'll figure things out :-).

And I guess I'll just wait until next week to learn where I go from here.  I can look on the bright side - this gives me more time to get my history caught up.  Still, I'm a bit bummed. 

Breast Cancer makes you tired of waiting

I'll continue catching up on the history of this breast cancer diagnosis in subsequent posts, but today I find myself amazed at how tired I feel as I approach my next medical oncology appointment. 

These past couple of weeks have been a respite from this bad dream.  No appointments, no poking, no prodding, no pictures, no sterile rooms, no white coats, no needles, no knives, no drugs, no bad news and little pain (to speak of).  I've made great progress healing from the surgery and for all intents and purposes I am doing anything I could do before this all began.  It has been nice.

But today, when I reviewed my calendar, I realized that this week I am to learn more about my treatment options, assuming the oncogene tests come back on schedule.  The anticipation of this alone seems to have made me tired. 

There is always a track in my mind that constantly reminds me of my 'condition', but today there was another track replaying the message - "it's not over, it's not over."  Worse, it has occured to me that it will never be over.   From this point forward, things have changed. 

I'm still not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. But as I write this, a beautiful red-headed woodpecker has just landed on the tree in front of me, changing my view. Maybe she is reminding me that change can always be a beautiful thing! I have always believed that these synchronous events are messages from God.  And now I notice that I'm smiling - for the first time all day. Cool.

Linda

P.S. Check out www.brownnosingonline.com to read my blog and get updates on the brown-nosing project.